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Bold 2024 Predictions from State Media

A woke paradise, edible bugs, cannibalism, the end of world hunger, your duty to vote for better weather, and a chat with your dog
By Garth Kant
December 29, 2023
On The Record

Editor’s note from Communications Director John Fortney: Those of you who used to watch 60 Minutes when it was an actual news program will remember the wry and acerbic straight-talk commentary from World War II veteran Andy Rooney. He didn’t much care for excess or fools. Neither does our Senior Press Secretary Garth Kant, who wrote this entertaining column poking fun at the legacy media for treating everyone like the kids from the Brady Bunch.  Happy New(s) Year.

A veiled prediction that Ohio will turn from red to blue.

Or bluer. 

Bluish, maybe.

That’s the boldest of the “10 fearless predictions for the new year” from the state media.

Right. And pigs will fly. Spaceships. To Mars. Powered by pixie dust.

Except the columnist (we can’t really tell them apart, they’re so interchangeable) does not come out and declare Ohio will turn bright blue, because he knows that’s as real as the climate “crisis.” He only implies it in so many words:

Citizens will win over politicians: Ohio voters will in November ratify the proposed statewide anti-gerrymandering issue (“Citizens not Politicians”), clearing the way for competitive General Assembly districts. Fair districts would prune the GOP’s rigged supermajorities in the Ohio House and the state Senate.

The premise is a little confusing because it’s the citizens who elect these politicians. But don’t let logic get in the way of a good narrative, comrade – the point is Les Citizens Miserable will throw off the shackles of GOP tyranny...that is, as soon as they stop voting for so many dang Republicans.

(It’s a simple plan they’ll tell you. See for yourself here. It’s only 31 pages of legal jargon. The word “commission” appears a mere 277 times.)

It’s the myth the far-left state media loves to tell itself:  they represent the real majority in Ohio...stymied only by the bogeyman of gerrymandering.

Why does this very loud cabal of woke trolls keep insisting they are the real voice of the people? For the same reason New Yorker film critic Pauline Kael famously was so perplexed by the landslide re-election of President Nixon that she reportedly bleated, “I can’t believe Nixon won. I don’t know anyone who voted for him.”    

Journalists believe an average college campus represents a cross-section of average Americans. People just like them!

Here is the hard truth and the cold facts. 

Democrats can’t even win the majority of their own districts in Ohio.

There are 15 state senate districts that favor Democrats. The Donkeys  have been able to win only seven of those districts. The Elephants won the other eight districts favoring Democrats.

You can’t blame gerrymandering if you can’t win even when you’re favored.

If the Democrats can’t win a majority of Democratic districts how can they expect to win a majority of all districts?

It’s insane. But Democrats and their amen chorus in the state media will just keep chanting “gerrymandering” because they clearly think if they repeat it every week their dwindling audience will start believing it.

Their problem is more than 70% of the voters approved the 2015 redistricting overhaul. That led to a unanimous and bipartisan vote by the Ohio Redistricting Commission in September to approve a map with compact General Assembly districts that will last the remainder of the decade.   

When Eric Holder’s litigious NDRC (National Democratic Redistricting Committee) operatives were finally shown the door by Ohio Democrats, the process approved by voters was allowed to work.

(Watch our podcast with Senator Rob McColley, who served on the commission, to learn the details of the process.) 

Yet, the media and their liberal friends know it’s their only play. They know their only real chance of turning Ohio bluish is getting a “citizen” commission of woke bureaucrats to gerrymander in the Democrats’ favor.

Democrats and the media whine about “representational fairness.” What that really means is they think it’s unfair that the GOP keeps winning elections. And that most Ohioans won’t vote for Democrats. So, they will fix that with lawyers. And a “citizens” commission. 

Da, kommisar.

Democrats want to “fix” our elections? Mr. Potter isn’t selling. He’s buying! And Democrats aren’t trying to prevent gerrymandering; it’s their only hope. They want an unelected politburo to overturn the will of the people and paint Ohio blue. In other words, they want state-sanctioned gerrymandering to do the job voters won’t do: put more Democrats in office.

Hypocrisy, much?  It’s what they do. Because it’s all they’ve got.

Before they protest too much, perhaps they should just read this piece from the very blue Politico titled, No, Ohio Is Not in Play.

Predictions are inherently dicey. Especially from a biased media. But they’re still fun. The more outrageous, the better – making this the one area in politics where it’s entertaining to be wrong. So, we took a look to see what else is out there.

Those we found are just as insightful as the commission prediction. And equally valuable.

To avoid the ridicule of a complete pratfall some play it ridiculously safe. It’s difficult to contradict these two bold predictions from the Economist:

• There will be turmoil in the Middle East.
• There will be economic uncertainty.

You don’t say?  

But then the formerly reputable magazine suddenly reverses course and throws all caution to the wind, predicting the Paris Olympics and the men’s cricket World Cup may unify the world.  Well, sure. Under a sky of flying pigs.

CNBC predicts “CNN will let go of one of its top anchors.”

Well, duh. If the past is prologue, that’s a certain as death and taxes.

Of course CNN will keep circling the drain -- that's how the law of gravity works. Things falling apart fall down, not up. Unless you work for the Biden administration where failure is a feature, not a bug.

CNN responded with “Why we need to stop with the 2024 predictions.”

Subtitled:  Ouch. Stop that. It hurts. Mom!

Actually, that CNN piece came out in 2021. Were they three years prescient? No, it was about the presidential election (“Stop saying Biden is doomed in 2024!”) – they're evidently still as clueless about their own impending demise as ever.

CBS boldly predicts “migration” will continue. By which they mean the unprecedented and uncontrollable flood of illegal immigrants will keep pouring across the border at record rates...at least until Bidenomics finally makes America poorer than the countries they are escaping.

But CBS adds a twist. They tell us that it is imperative that journalists (those plucky heroes) do a better job (is that even possible?) of “understanding why it is people continue to want to desperately come to this country," said CBS News senior White House and political correspondent Ed O'Keefe.

Yeah, Ed...that’s a stumper.  Why DO all the world’s poor want to come to America? It’s like asking why people prefer chocolate cake to eating dirt. It’s a mystery. But, if anyone can figure it out, it’s today’s batch of post-journalism reporters. Because you never know what to think until they explain it to you.

It’s not just journalists. Davos billionaires also have their finger right on the pulse of the keys to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Bug-eating enthusiast Bill Gates noticed that half the countries in the world will hold elections in 2024. The results of the elections will “shape the future of global health and the climate,” according to Gates.

You heard it here first. Vote for the weather. It’s amazing what we can do in 2024. 

Which one is the warmer winter candidate? Asking for a friend.

Bloomberg predicts Bidenomics will hold a steady course straight toward the edge of the world, with a predicted 29% rise in the cost of natural gas and a 12% increase in the cost of major appliances.

(Fortunately, New York courageously decided to make life easier by banning new gas stoves. Disclaimer: may not apply to vice presidents.) 

The New York Times took a different tack. None of that doom and gloom about the economy, war, and the destruction of the border. The fish wrap that once loved to bask in its pseudo-status as the paper of record announced, “Meals are so 2023. Next year will be all about snacks.”

Why?  Maybe it’s Bidenomics. “Small, delicious bites are a low-stakes way to explore new cuisines.”  

Snacks are your new meal, comrade. 

Hey – you haven’t touched your crickets!

How can you eat your mealworms if you haven’t eaten your crickets?

Stop the presses – another Times scoop: “Water is going to be bigger than ever.” It goes great with your bug bread. Besides, wine is so 2023: “Look for an uptick in water sommeliers, the ‘premium hydration’ category, and wearable hydration sensors.”

But wait, there’s more...unfortunately. Why eat when you can drink? Cocktails are the new food. “Meal-flavored cocktails,” that is. Again, this makes sense, the way Bidenomics is trending into the new year. 

Want to recall the experience of eating actual food? Are you in luck.

“Already, in New York you can order a cocktail that tastes of Waldorf salad at Double Chicken Please in New York or a Caprese martini at Jac’s on Bond. Or would you prefer a Thai beef salad drink from the Savory Project, in Hong Kong, or an Everything Everywhere cocktail with smoked salmon-infused gin, vermouth and caper brine accented with everything bagel spice.”


Maybe Yahoo Finance is angling to become the new paper of record because it is very doom and gloom focused. Yahoo glumly informs us, “High mortgage rates and steep home prices are dissuading would-be buyers.”

But then Yahoo boldly predicts, “If rates were to drop in 2024, that would spur the market for both buyers and sellers.”

Well...yeah. Thanks, Nostradamus.

Speaking of whom, the French astrologer had a few things to say about 2024, even 500 years after his death. He predicted this year would bring more...war and famine. And bad weather. Gosh, it’s like he’s read the New York Times.

Then again, he also predicted an economic collapse in 2023 of such catastrophic proportions “That man will be eating his fellow man.”

Hey – maybe he really DID read the Times...which declared in 2023 that “cannibalism has a time and a place.”


The so-called Nostradamus of Brazil, Athos Salome, predicts 2024 will see...wait for it...bad weather. Including floods and earthquakes. But there’s a bright side. He says his visions are not set in stone.

“My warnings are meant to motivate us to come together and prioritize our well-being," Salome states. He adds, "I also want to emphasize the importance of implementing policies, building infrastructure, and increasing global awareness. Through governance and citizen cooperation, we can avoid these challenges altogether."

So, once again, you’ve been warned. Vote for better weather. Or else.

Remember, only you can help prevent weather. Well, you...and all of your tax dollars.

But wait...there’s more Nostradamuses.  Nostradami?

The Nostradamus of the Balkans was once popular with Bulgarian Tsar Boris III and Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev. Baba Vanga may have died in 1996 but she made predictions for every year up until 5079. (Maybe she was paid by the year?) 

Anyway, she predicts a bad global economy and...you guessed it...bad weather in 2024.

Uncanny, isn’t it?  

There’s also good news. Baba says we’ll end world hunger in the next four years. (“Thank you bugs...the new white meat!”) And we’ll master time travel in 2304. But the world will end in 5079. Bummer.

Never mind all that, who will win the presidency this year?

Renowned astrologist Susan Miller says a good year for Donald Trump is written in the stars.

“Everybody pretty much knows that Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, the great benefactor, is going into Gemini, and that Mr. Trump is a Gemini,” she told DailyMail.com

So, that’s settled.

Speaking of the really important stuff...what about the Oscars? (Well, stuff we used to care about.) Variety did a long piece calculating the odds of all the contenders. But, like most normal people, we didn’t see any films in the theater this year. We skimmed the Variety piece.... something about Barbenheimer. And bad weather.

In other pressing Hollywood news...will Tinsel Town survive the Disney meltdown following its release of SEVEN woke box-office bombs in 2023? All we can do is offer our thoughts and prayers...that it won’t.

Back to things people care about...ESPN (may it escape the mouse’s reign of terror) predicts the Chicago Bears will have the top pick in this year’s NFL draft. But not who the Bears will pick.

We are thinking that USC’s Caleb Williams is no longer in position to demand a piece of team ownership. And judging by the way Justin Fields is rapidly adjusting to the pro game, OSU’s Marvin Harrison may be a most welcome sight on the other end of his passes.  

In other news, something called Quantumrun.com predicts 2024 will see the first manned mission to Mars. And we predict that man will be the coach of the team up north, if the NCAA keeps uncovering his tricks of the trade at their present rate.

In other near-Ohio news, Airbnb has announced its “top trending global destinations.”  At the very top of the list is... Indianapolis, Indiana. 

Paris is number 8. Rome is 19. They list 21 more destinations, but then it all went blurry. Enough said. Except...how many Airbnb’s are there in Indy???

And finally, in the “first the good news, then the bad news” department, 2024 will be the year you can talk to your dog. Maybe.

The prediction is, “AI can be used to analyze animal noises, identify patterns, and potentially translate them into human-understandable formats.”

At first you may think, it will be really handy to know when the dog needs to go outside. Then, you imagine how this will actually play out. 

The dog wants to go outside...every five minutes.

The dog would like to know, “Are you going to eat that?”

“Was that a cat?  Hit rewind – hit rewind!!!”

All this new knowledge eventually has a debilitating effect, causing Fido to experience existential ennui and wonder, “Am I really a good boy?”

All in all, OTR is reminded of the words of the late, great wordsmith and musician Warren Zevon:

If California slides into the ocean
Like the mystics and statistics say it will
I predict this motel will be standing until I pay my bill.”

Happy New Year.

Gronk would like to know if you are finished with that sandwich